What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
