Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize