I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize