I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
