I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
