That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
