We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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