pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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