i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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