Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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