I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
