Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My ass is underappreciated
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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