This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
