And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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