i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
