My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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