btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
