WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
