it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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