Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
