MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
