i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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