I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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