Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
