I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
