So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
