I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
