What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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