Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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