You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
