he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
