i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
