Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize