Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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