I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
