I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
