so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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