Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
