Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
