Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
