So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
