To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
