my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
