worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
