She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
