I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Rumble strips road head = magical
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
