Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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