I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I think i got beer on your cat.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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