if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
it hurts more in the daytime
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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