This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
