did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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