Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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