We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
