I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
