my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
