I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
