census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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