we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
