I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
